


And if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have had my little 'accident'

by 2queer4here



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Beetlejuice (1988)
Genre: Alfred as Adam, Batman meets beetlejuice au, Bottom Bruce Wayne, Bruce as Lydia, Bruce is 17, But not forever, F/F, F/M, Harley as miss argentina, Ivy as Juno, Joker and Bruce will fuck at some point, Joker as Beetlejuice, M/M, Multi, OFC Penny as Barbara, Penguin as Otho, Thomas and Martha as Charles and Delia, Virgin Bruce Wayne, so watch that underage warning if that squicks you, top joker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-09 09:19:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18635260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2queer4here/pseuds/2queer4here
Summary: "Oh baby," Joker purred watching Bruce look down into the graveyard model with wet eyes. "You want in don't you?"Bruce nodded.He wanted in, Joker wanted out. There had to be a way for them to get what they both wanted...





	1. “All mini food is outrageous. It’s just less of the good stuff.”

**Author's Note:**

> The Batman cast in their starring roles:
> 
>  
> 
> Beetlejuice: Joker  
> Lydia Deetz: Bruce Wayne  
> Charles Deetz: Thomas Wayne  
> Delia Deetz: Martha Wayne  
> Otho: Penguin  
> Barbara Maitland: Priscilla "Penny" Pennyworth  
> Adam Maitland: Alfred Pennyworth  
> Juno: Ivy  
> Miss Argentina: Harley Quinn

Penny insists that she’d rather be here than anywhere else. Working alongside her ‘Alfy’ for weeks in their no-longer-shitty-but-still-needs-work fixer upper they bought for more than it was actually worth at the time due to its proximity to the water. They are overworked and tired to the bone from turning the house into something livable once again coupled with the stress from their jobs in the city. Penny’s office job left her eyes sore and feet hurting while Alfred’s job left him an exhausted pile of mush. He loved cooking, professionally and otherwise, but the hours he got stuck in weren’t ideal.

 

But Penny, the sun in womanly form, worked alongside Alfred with a smile and hum without complaint. His girl was a genuine saint through it all.

 

So they worked together pulling up partially destroyed floor boards and pretending to know how the plumbing worked to fix sinks that barely spit out water and pipes that wouldn't stop spitting. They replaced wonky outlets, painted over stains on the wall that clung to their spots no matter how hard they scrubbed, and tamed the yard that looked like something straight out of _Goosebumps_.

 

Her hips had swung with unbridled happiness as she stopped to pick up every nail Alfred pulled loose and promptly forgotten under the weight of how much work there is still left to be done and still he can’t help but to worry every so often that his sweet Penny would be happier somewhere else. She should be lounging out in the yard, copper hair aflame in the light with her freckles on display in a tank top and shorts. Rounded nose buried in one of her books from her many stacks back in their even worse off apartment that teeter and threaten to thud to the floor with the slightest provocation. She deserves uninterrupted reading time, fresh country air, and too sweet lemonade that makes her pop the straw from her lovely little mouth and smile in her endearing gap toothed way up at him, and she deserves it every single day she is on this earth.

 

God he’s in love. As if sensing his thoughts had drifted to her Penny beams up at him from her spot resting sprawled out on the couch. Most of the house repairs have been completed save for a dripping upstairs faucet that Alfred can’t seem to make stop no matter how hard he tries, and the corner where a few floor boards have yet to be laid tossed aside from a cool night when Penny had convinced him to follow her to bed because she thought he’d work himself to death if allowed.

 

“Stop fussing over the faucet Alfy, it’s part of the houses charm.”

 

Penny hefted herself up and over to pat him on the cheek before padding over to her sneakers. Her yellow shirt lifted and the creamy skin he could see between said shirt and her overalls made him want to stay in the moment forever.

 

He followed his wife to pull on his own loafers because if Penny was going out he was too because he is a pathetic love sick puppy. Alfred smiles at the thought. Penny fussed with the hems of her overalls, rolling them up until satisfied and stands up with a happy hum and peck to Alfred’s mouth.

 

“There’s a sort of mom-and-pop store in town that has some paintings I want to check out. And we need some more paint for the living room. These walls can’t be bare forever!”

 

Alfred nodded. A house into a home and it hadn’t even been that long. Their first home, together. The thought made him want to call their sketchy landlord back in the city, end their leasing agreement tonight and then call both their bosses to happily announce they would not be returning, two weeks notice be damned. Just one more week.

 

One more week and then they would be free to do just that. As it was they still had to finish bringing some bits and bobs from the apartment over and sign the last stacks of paperwork to get out of their lease properly. Thinking about it gave Alfred a headache, so he pushed it all to the back burner of his brain walking with his wife down their front steps, onto their driveway, and into their car. The blue paint was peeling and one of the seatbelts was faulty, but it got them where they needed to go and then some.

 

“On the way back we should grab something from the grocery store to celebrate.” Alfred said hand going to rest over Penny’s on the clutch. She smiled over at him before turning onto the road.

 

“Like what? Champagne?” She giggled. Neither of them drank that much, but both had a fondness for Rosé when it was available.

 

Alfred rolled his window down resting his arm on the door watching the trees and other spaced out homes pass. They were coming to the bridge he was beginning to love that served as a landmark between the ‘residential’ part of the country and the town that held their homes finishing touches.

 

All this water, he would have to take his girl swimming soon, Penny loved the water more than anyone he had ever known.

 

“I was thinking cupcakes, but I wouldn’t mind a drink.”

 

“Cupcakes!” Penny exclaimed face scrunched up in disgust, mouth downturned. “Alfy, cupcakes are the worst. Who wants a bite of cake when you can have the whole thing? And honestly,” she rolled her eyes and started slowing the car to go over the bridge.

 

“All mini food is outrageous. It’s just less of the good stuff.”

 

Alfred’s warm laugh washed over the car. Penny was as passionate about food as he was and always had considered mini foods the bane of her existence.

 

Penny gasped. A wet intake of breath that sounded like she had started to choke on her spit at the end. It made something fearful grip his body though he didn’t know what was wrong yet.

 

Alfred turned to her quickly but it was too late. Whatever had made Penny make that awful noise had caused her to veer the car to the right, too far to stop and the young couple found themselves see-sawing precariously over the edge of the bridge with the water facing them like a beast with its wide gaping maw ready to swallow them whole.

 

He couldn’t breathe.

  
Penny turned to him hands gripping the steering wheel so tight her hands were white as a ghost and fear filled her face.

 

“There was a dog on the road.” She stuttered. “It ran out from nowhere.”

 

Tears started to well in her pretty brown eyes.

 

“I didn’t want to hit it.” Penny whined.

 

So she didn’t. Penny had swerved the car hard enough that they crashed through the old wood acting as rails along the bridge, and now they were stuck. If they moved too much they would tip the car over the edge and into the water. Alfred gulped looking through the windshield. They were both confident swimmers, but they wouldn’t stand a chance of undoing their seatbelts, fighting through the water that would instantly overwhelmed the open windows, and swimming to break the surface for air unharmed.

 

“I-”

 

They both turned carefully to look behind them when they heard a strong bark. There, standing on the bridge behind them was a small jack russell terrier. Its tail wagged at the sight of them and the thing yipped again before seeming to lose interest and turning around.

 

Penny breathed out a nervous sound through her nose and turned to her husband. What an awful mess she’d gotten them into. One of them would have to carefully, and very very slowly as to not upset their balance, climb out of their window and come around to help the other. They could figure out the business of rescuing their car later.

 

The sound of liquid hitting metal caused them to twist their shoulders back to see the source of the sound: _the little dog had lifted its leg to urinate which gave the car just enough added pressure to send them falling over the bridge._

 

 


	2. What did you expect? You're dead.

Still sputtering and soaking wet down to their bones, Alfred guided Penny up the front steps into their house. Alfred kicked his waterlogged shoes into a corner before helping Penny to a chair in the kitchen. He gently wrung out one half of her hair while she did the other and cringed at the sound of water hitting the floor. They’d have to mop it all up quickly after they got changed or else it would warp the floorboards. Penny looked up with the most miserable look on her face, one that said ‘what a terrible, terrible thing to have happened’. Alfred cupped her chin in his hand bending down to kiss her. Though terrifying they had made it. Cars could be saved up for and replaced, but not Penny, never Penny- his sweet girl. 

  
  


“It’s a good thing we kept our bus passes.” He sighed.

  
  


Penny looked up at him from under wet eyelashes with an unreadable look in her eyes. Her hair hung in limp ringlets around her face and she was shivering.

  
  


“I’ll get you a change of clothes and-” Penny’s distraught, wavering voice halted Alfred’s ascension of the stairs to their bedroom. 

  
  


“I’m not going.” She looked sad. Or mad. Or a mix of the two and Alfred was so so tired.

  
  


“Penny,” He breathed. 

  
  


“No Alfy! I am not stepping one foot out of this house again today.” She got up and ripped paper towels sloppily from the roll and dragged one across her face before tossing them on the floor and pressing them into the water drips with her foot.

  
  


“We have to go Penny. We have to report it to someone- the police or the insurance company. Somebody.”

  
  


Truth be told Alfred wanted nothing more than to sleep for an undetermined amount of time only to wake up to learn the whole thing had been a very, very bad nightmare. His entire body felt heavy as if he suddenly weighed a thousand pounds. Even keeping his eyelids open felt like a workout.

  
  


Who was he to argue?

  
  
  


Alfred nodded and trudged up the stairs. Working on autopilot he gathered his wet clothes into the laundry basket, started up a hot shower, and wandered back into their bedroom to grab a change of dry clothes. Penny’s hands were cold on his back when she came up behind him. She wrapped her arms around his chest and pressed her face and a kiss into his back. Some of his exhaustion seeped out of him.

  
  


Alfred turned to her, searching her face for something he didn’t fully know and let her join him in the shower. They clung to each other and sobbed. Then they got out and redressed in fresh clothes and wrapped their hair up in the softest towels they owned. They followed each other to the couch, with a pit stop in the kitchen for tea, and curled around each other silently. Penny turned the tv on to a mindless show as they both drank their drinks still crying.

  
  


After what felt like just minutes Penny pulled a throw blanket over both of them and closed her eyes, but it must have been longer for the beautiful summer day it had been even when they returned home had turned into a cool summer night. Crickets chirped loudly. Alfred looked at the young woman in his arms and felt a surge of panic centered around the feel of taking his eyes off her. If he could see her, no matter what, he could save her. So Alfred forced his tired eyes open training them on Penny.

  
  


One thing at a time. One breath at a time. They would be okay. They would be okay.

 

Alfred opened his eyes from a nap he didn’t know had taken him and though they still burned from lack of sleep he smiled upon hearing the most lovely sound: the fluttering wings of a butterfly, sweet honey fresh from a colony of bees, the scent of hope and a warm summer breeze. Alfred turned over on the couch to see Penny standing at the kitchen sink singing softly. What a heavenly woman. What a voice. 

  
  
  


“‘ _ Thank the Lord I am here and now, here and now. Fireflies after dark. Bless your soul, we are here and now, here and now _ .’”

  
  
  


Berries tumbled from her hands and through the flow of water into a strainer. Blueberries, strawberries, and were those raspberries too?

  
  
  


“‘ _ Celebrate the feeling, celebrate the feeling _ _. _ ’”

  
  
  


Penny’s shoulders swayed with her song and the world seemed to come alive around her,  _ because _ of her. 

  
  
  


“‘ _ Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay, _

_ oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh _ .’”

  
  
  


Yesterday had been so awful. Something you hear about on the news that makes you cross yourself and feel glad it wasn’t you. But it had been them. 

  
  
  


“If you want to help me you can come over here and mix up this pancake batter.” Penny gave him a shining smile over her shoulder. Calm and true, pulling through their ordeal better than Alfred ever could. 

  
  
  


“Sure darling.” He got up slowly, pausing to stretch out his back. His joints cracked in an unsavoury way. “Too goddamned young to be making noises like that.” 

  
  
  


He scowled approaching the mixing bowl Penny had set out on the counter. She laughed. And so they worked in tandem to make breakfast. Fluffy pancakes with juicy berries and sticky syrup, too cheap coffee that tasted stale despite it being from a fresh pot, and delicious crispy bacon. 

  
  
  


“I guess you still want to go to the hospital then?” Penny asked focusing on mushing her last bite of pancake into her syrup covered plate. She seemed like a closing flower in the moment when just minutes ago she had been so open and  _ normal _ . Shock, Alfred’s mind supplied.

  
  
  


“It’s not a punishment,” Alfred sighed placing his hand on his wife’s knee. “I just want to make sure you’re okay. _If you got pneumonia and_ …” 

  
  
  


He frowned and stopped himself, but Penny flashed him a quick smile.

  
  
  


“Yeah.”

  
  
  


She nodded and ate the last bite on her plate. She stood and collected both of their plates and mugs for the dishwasher, then disappeared upstairs. When she came down she was out of her pajamas and in her go to jeans and one of Alfred’s t shirts.

  
  
  


“Come on slowpoke, last one to the bus stop is a rotten egg!” 

  
  
  


Alfred laughed and bounded over next to her to pull on his own shoes before pushing her lightly to be able to reach the door first. He threw open the door wide enough that they could both fit through it if Penny decided to wiggle through next to him, but was careful not to hit her and jumped out into…

  
  
  


Nothingness. For a moment. Until he fell on his butt onto hot sand. Just  _ sand _ . All around Alfred as he whipped his head this way and that trying to make sense of where he was and more importantly, where his wife was. The sand filled the sides of his shoes as he stood up and turned his back to the wind. Was there normally wind in the desert? 

  
  
  


“Penny!” He yelled cupping his hands around his mouth to make the sound carry. 

  
  
  


“Penny!” Alfred tried calling again and looking all around, but there was no sign of Penny. With a mounting feeling of dread Alfred tried to scream louder. 

  
  
  


“Priscilla Anne Pennyworth answer me now!” 

  
  
  


He waited a few seconds. No verbal answer, but right beside his foot the sand began to vibrate. 

  
  
  


“Oh God. Penny!” Alfred wailed dropping to his knees to dig through the sand. She probably had been buried when she fell and now it was up to him to get Penny out before she suffocated and he would lose her and he could not lose her- and it was the car with the bridge all over again. Alfred felt sweat bead on his forehead as he used his hands to shovel as quickly as he could. Piles of sand surrounded the hole he had made and the vibrating was getting stronger. Penny must be fighting her way to the surface!

  
  
  


“Penny! Penny! Penny!” He cried, chanting her name like a mantra.

Another scoop of sand gone and he could almost feel her wiggling arms. Ploughing his arms straight down alongside the edges of the hole he had dug Alfred grabbed Penny’s waist and pulled as hard as he could. 

  
  
  


“Baby.” He sobbed clinging to her. He sniffed and tried to pat her down to asses her injuries, if any, but her skin felt… Odd. Instead of soft smooth skin his hands ran over cold rubbery skin. Alfred pulled his face away from where he thought he had been pressed to Penny’s chest with the horrifying realization that he had not unearthed his suffering wife, but instead an unholy beast. A mockery of a true snake: dozens of feet tall, white and black striped, with dead blue, chapped lips and hair raising yellow eyes. But the worst part of the creature was the smaller version of its own head peeking out from its open jaws. And all those rows of sharp teeth.

  
  
  


_ Alfred. _

  
  
  


Alfred stood completely still before it.

  
  
  


_ Alfred. _

  
  
  


He wanted to run, to scream, to throw a shoe at the snake, but his body wouldn’t move.

  
  
  


_ Alfred. _

  
  
  


It was just like all those times he had watched a horror movie and yelled at the stupid victims for not just running away- yet here he was, not running away. 

  
  
  


_ Alfred. _

  
  
  


He was going to die here in this strange land most certainly eaten by this horrifying thing. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to leave his Penny. He never got to say goodbye or tell her it wasn’t her fault about the car. What if the snake didn’t leave anything of his behind? Penny would come looking for him not knowing about the terrible thing beneath the sand and then she would have to deal with it. Alone.

  
  
  


**_Alfred Please!_ **

  
  
  


Alfred’s body was finally able to move. He whipped his head around to see a door behind him but not just any door! Their door! The front door to their house and Penny, lovely darling sweet Penny, stood in the doorway looking worried. He opened his mouth to answer her, but felt a humid breath wash over him. Turning back he saw the snake had moved closer to him and he was now face to- or rather, body to eye with it. 

  
  
  


Alfred kept the thought of Penny in his mind, pushed everything else out, all the fear and dread, and ran. 

  
  
  


Alfred Pennyworth had never experienced a fear so strong, he had also never run as fast as he ran towards that door. The snake made an appalling roar and angrily dove after him. It moved similar to a mole in whack a mole; diving through holes it made in the sand and popping out in various degrees of closeness to Alfred. But with the time it took to wiggle through the sand Alfred was faster. 

  
  
  


He lept through the door straight into Penny and sat up slamming the door closed locking it for good measure.

  
  
  


“Don’t. Go. Out. There.” He panted slumping down.

  
  
  


“Where were you?!” Penny asked. She looked flabbergasted.

 

 

“The desert. With that snake  _ thing _ . Didn’t you see me when you were in the door?”

 

 

Penny had a look of disbelief plastered on her face. “No. No, it just looked like the front of the house. The yard and the driveway.”

  
  
  


Penny and Alfred stared at each other. 

  
  
  


“I stepped outside and went somewhere… else.” Alfred whimpered.

  
  
  


“I looked outside and couldn’t see you. You just disappeared when you went out the door.”

  
  
  


Penny’s eyes widened and her mouth hung open, but before Alfred could say anything a loud thump made them both jump. From who knows where a brown book had fallen to the floor between them. It looked well worn like a popular library book classic. The cover showed a couple, a woman in a mauve get up and a man wearing a blue suit holding hands in front of a pleasing sky, with a title that read “Handbook For The Recently Deceased”. 

  
  
  


“Oh fuck.” Penny whispered. “Alfred, are we dead?” 

 

“I don’t know Penny,” Alfred said quietly staring at the book. “I don’t know. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I quoted two songs (in italics) the first one is Penny singing Be Okay by Oh Honey; which is such a sweet upbeat song and the other song is Baby It's Cold Outside written by Frank Loesse. 
> 
> The chapter title is from Beetlejuice.


	3. Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to stop using "and" so much in my writing. Also I'm excited because Bruce will be introduced soon!

Alfred and Penny Pennyworth sat impossibly still, barely breathing, just staring at the book before them.  _ The Handbook For The Recently Deceased _ . Deceased. When had they had the time to die?  _ How _ did they die? In their sleep? Maybe this was all an elaborate prank being played on them by a neighbor.

  
  


They didn’t know any of their neighbors.

  
  


Still. Maybe. Alfred looked at Penny. Her hair fell like a curtain around her but he could see her mouth was settled in a deep frown. 

  
  


So they sat. Penny staring at the book, Alfred staring at Penny.

  
  


Until Alfred’s legs grew numb, he began rocking in place to wake them without getting up. The noise must have broke Penny from whatever trance she had been in for she got up quick as a light moving for the kitchen. Alfred decided to wait for the pins and needles in his legs to stop before checking on her. He leaned back on his arms listening to the suspicious sounds of plastic crinkling along with Penny’s annoyed huffs.

  
  


“Be a dear and toss out the trash when you get a minute. That book too!” Penny presented him with an almost empty trash bag that had been tied very tightly with an angry look on her face. Her freckles really popped when she was mad Alfred mused. 

  
  


Alfred unlocked the door throwing the bag to the sand as fast as he could manage before slamming and relocking the door. Migrating to the kitchen he watched as Penny sniffed the carton of milk from the fridge. She shook her head not finding whatever she was looking for, but still went to pour the milk down the drain in the sink. 

  
  


“How am I gonna drink my tea now?” He asked.

  
  


Penny shot him a dry look.

  
  


“I’ve decided,” She said in a conversational tone despite having turned her back to her husband as she went through a cabinet.

 

“We’re not dead.”

  
  


Penny pulled down sugar, honey, and the last hot chocolate packet. With a second thought she reached back and pulled out a box of sleepy time vanilla tea. 

  
  


“Oh, we’re not? That’s good.”

  
  


Alfred nodded going to gently remove the tea from Penny’s odd pile. She pushed his hand away firmly. 

  
  


“No we’re not. There’s no time to be dead Alfy. I’ve come to the conclusion that we must have ate or drank something in the past 24 hours that we both had a bad reaction to. The tea or the hot chocolate or the honey. But we’re not dead, just hallucinating.”

  
  


Penny was clearly in the midst of a very calm breakdown. She swept the items on the counter into a new trash bag and triple knotted it closed. Thrusting it into his hands she rubbed a hand over her face.

  
  


“I’m going to bed.” Her voice sounded so small and defeated that it nearly broke Alfred’s heart. He watched Penny limp up the stairs and disappear out of sight. He nudged the trash under the kitchen sink listening to the sound of the water being run upstairs. 

  
  


Penny changed into her most comfortable pair of pajamas: an old college shirt of her husband’s, the lovely man, and long pants. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail as she went to bathroom. She didn’t want to see how tired she looked so she washed her face hunched over the sink without bothering to look at herself in the mirror and brushed her teeth. The spicy cinnamon toothpaste was such an odd, familiar reprieve from the craziness that had been the past day of her life that it brought her great comfort.

  
  


Penny felt silly. Throwing away their tea and snapping at her darling husband who had been so good through this whole mess. She wanted nothing more than to go downstairs to sweep him into her arms and apologize. She smiled and glanced up into the mirror to judge how crazy she looked but froze. 

  
  


In that moment she must have been a fright; pale as paper, foamy toothpaste smeared around her mouth, and hair frizzy from lack of care.

  
  


But she wouldn’t know, she couldn’t see herself.

  
  


Penny tried to quell the sinking feeling in her stomach and pulled her toothbrush from her mouth to wave back and forth in front of the mirror. She could see the red plastic and stiff bristles just fine though she could not see herself. She couldn’t see her wild red hair, her brown eyes, or even her clothes.

  
  


Penny opened her mouth and let out the loudest noise of distress she had ever made. The anger, sadness, and confusion of the bridge and the sand and losing Alfred for those long hours came together to push another scream out of her throat. It was so intense that it made her throat burn and her eyes water. 

  
  


Only ghosts or vampires couldn’t see their reflection, and Penny wasn’t a vampire so she must be…

  
  



	4. Still I venture someplace scary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quote from the cartoon instead of the movie for the chapter title? Iconic. Posting two chapters in one day? Legend.

When Alfred finds the courage to read the book it is filled to the brim with flowery language, the kind that gives him a headache but makes Penny swoon.

  
  


It talks about the snake monster, which is called a sandworm as well as how being dead is an adjustment. Which he knows. He’s been dead for going on 7 months now, he knows all the ways in which his life has changed after death and also how it has remained the same.

  
  


Penny is coping better now though still refuses to read it. Every time she passes by it she shivers and pushes it under the couch only for it to reappear on the coffee table seconds later.

  
  


Alfred bypasses the chapters on scaring away the living looking for anything about how to get past his front door into the real world. Time goes by so fast for them they haven’t started feeling cooped up yet, but he knows it will come. They can’t be trapped in a house forever, and they won’t be- but Alfred can’t wait 125 years or whatever the darn book had said, and neither could Penny. Hours into weeks, weeks into months, months into… There is going to come a day that Penny feels all that time catch up to her, then it will be up to Alfred to make things better for her. In the meantime Alfred tries to push his nerves aside to focus on their new reality. 

  
  


They lose their urge to eat, which is good because in the blink of an eye the food in the fridge goes bad. Unfortunately their noses are still in working order so they pinch them shut using clothes pin when it comes time to throw the decayed food into the garbage. The trash gets lined up in a neat row by the door for Alfred to toss out to the sandworm who he seems to have formed a tentative friendship with.

  
  


He throws the bags high into the air watching behind the half shut door as the monster jumps out of the sand to gobble it up. The monster makes a less frightening roar than the first time he had met it and disappears until the next time Alfred must ‘take out the trash’.

  
  


They have to learn to do other things differently now too, together. The mail piles up with notices: the library is demanding they return the copy of The Haunting of Hill House that Penny still has checked out, Alfred’s gym membership is expiring due to non payment, even Comcast says enough is enough when you don’t pay your bills. Penny files her copy of The Haunting of Hill House on the bookshelf in the living room and Alfred cuts the mail into strips for Penny’s latest project; a paper mache snake head for their desert friend. He pays the Comcast bill online so they can continue watching the television and using their laptops, Penny would go mad otherwise.

  
  


Besides that there is less cleaning to do now. They have no need for eating and similarly they lose the function of their bowels. Secretly Alfred has never been sadder to  _ not _ have to scrub a toilet, but things could be worse. At least they don’t get sick anymore.

  
  


Even though Penny and Alfred’s lives have stopped life still goes on. Sure, it’s different now, but it trudges on all the same. The most difficult thing is judging how time passes. The days shift before their eyes through the windows, summer begins transitioning to fall, the clock in the kitchen works perfectly, but their internal sense of time has been skewed. What Alfred thinks is an hour is really a day and a half and what Penny thinks is a day is actually a week.

  
  


That’s probably why things on the outside fall into place in such a way that their house gets put up for sale under their very noses.  

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> The title is one of my favourite lines from the movie! 
> 
> I came up with the name Penny because I wanted to make a connection between her hair being red and her name, but didn't think ahead to how ridiculous the name Penny Pennyworth sounds so to save face her first name is Priscilla and Penny is just a nickname.


End file.
